


The Tony Stark Triplets, If You Will

by Briana_Dubs



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Giggling, Human!Loki, M/M, Too much giggling, and loki's drunk, and tony is a good person, except the kids are the bots, he can tell when tony has a crush, he's not stupid, human!Thor, like really jsut so much giggling there should be a law against it, rhodey is a smart man, you broke into my house and I was gonna call the cops but my kids like you so you're free for now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-15
Updated: 2019-01-15
Packaged: 2019-10-10 13:10:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17426507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Briana_Dubs/pseuds/Briana_Dubs
Summary: He expected to see the bots all rolling around and spinning and twitching excitedly- that was nothing new. What he hadn’t been expecting was what they were so excited about.There, swaying in the middle of his living room, stood a man he had never seen before in his life.“Uh… JARVIS?”“My apologies, sir,” the disembodied voice buzzed through the house. “He entered the passcode on the first try. I had assumed perhaps he was an old friend of yours coming for a visit.”





	The Tony Stark Triplets, If You Will

It had been a late night of inventing for Tony Stark. He blearily glanced at the clock as he and his bots waddled into the elevator toward the ground floor. Three thirty seven in the morning. Nice. He was getting to bed before six at least. His friends were always nagging him about his horrendous sleep schedule. He half noticed his bots next to him. Normally he didn’t let the little robots up to any of the other floors besides the lab, but he was so tired he decided to let it slide for the night.

“If I come out in the morning and anything is on fire, I’m donating you three to a soup kitchen,” he warned the bots. Each just whirred and chirped up at him, happy to be getting out of the lab to explore.

Before bed he went to the kitchen to get himself a glass of water. Halfway through filling the glass from the spout on the fridge door he heard a fair amount of beeping and whirring coming from the living room. Sighing, he stopped getting his drink and set the cup on the counter. “What the hell did you do this time?” He muttered to himself and scratched his stomach through his shirt as he slouched back toward his living area. He expected to see the bots all rolling around and spinning and twitching excitedly- that was nothing new. What he hadn’t been expecting was what they were so excited about.

There, swaying in the middle of his living room, stood a man he had never seen before in his life. The front door was still open behind him, in the process of shutting and locking back up again, and just in front of the door there was a small pile of clothes with a shoe peeking out from underneath. It looked like a jacket and something else, but Tony didn’t give it more than a cursory glance. Instead focusing on the stranger standing there giggling as his bots all circled him and chirped and poked at his legs.

“Uh… JARVIS?” Tony called warily to his Artificial Intelligence and right hand, well… Yeah, just right hand at this point. JARVIS did everything.

“My apologies, sir,” the disembodied voice buzzed through the house. “He entered the passcode on the first try. I had assumed perhaps he was an old friend of yours coming for a visit.”

Tony cringed a little at the thought of old friends coming anywhere near him. Most of his old friends had only been interested in his money. The strange man, who Tony finally noted had long black hair falling around his face as he looked down at the robots, was still giggling. Judging by that laugh and the slight sway he did every now and then while he stood, he was most likely drunk. Which, that was a little bit impressive even by Tony’s standards. Drunk and still managed to enter his passcode perfectly on the first try? Whoever this guy was, Tony was going to guess he was smarter than the average bear.

The man was wearing a green sweater. DUM-E kept tugging at the bottom of it. The man’s black clad legs were being assaulted by pokes from U and Butterfingers. How they hadn’t knocked his drunk ass over yet was a mystery to Tony.

With a bit of a hiccup, the man said, “Weird looking cats… I like you.” He patted the top of DUM-E’s claw like one would pat a dog on the head, and then did the same to the other two robots. All three practically squealed with joy at the kindness, and U and DUM-E both rolled over to Tony to tug at _his_ shirt. He knew what they were doing. He basically spoke their language.

“No,” he told them both, “You can’t keep him.  I don’t even know who he is.”

The man was petting Butterfingers now, crouched a little bit and smiling at the little thing. JARVIS spoke up again. “Shall I alert the authorities, sir?”

And Tony knew he should say yes. He knew he should. There was no telling what this guy might do while he was here, or what he might accidentally stumble upon, but standing there watching him take hold of Butterfingers’ hand and waddle with him over to the couch like the robot was a little kid crossing the street, he felt like the risks were worth it.

“Nah,” he said, smiling. The man was settling down on the couch, pulling a pillow over and nuzzling his face into it, and still laughing at the bots, who now had all returned to crowding him and beeping in his face. “Remind me where the pain killers and the blankets are, though, would ya J?”

“Of course, sir. The pain killers are in the top left drawer in the vanity in the guest restroom and the extra blankets are in the third hall closet that Miss Potts likes to decorate with garland during the holidays.”

“Thanks bud,” Tony carefully crept closer to his uninvited guest. Shooing his bots out of his way, Tony squatted down in front of him. “Hey,” he said when a pair of nearly cross eyed green eyes finally focused on his face.

The man smiled at him and reached a hand out toward him, missing completely. Humming, he finally managed to slap his hand down onto Tony’s shoulder on the third try. “Mm, not… not Thooorrr,” the man slurred his words a bit, dopey smile still on his face. “Thor inmmm bed?”

“Thor’s out right now,” Tony chose to say in reply. The man’s face screwed up all serious for a moment in a tight pout and he nodded. “Hey, could I see your phone?” The smile was back again and the drunk guy tried his hardest to reach his hand off Tony’s shoulder and around to his own back. He kept hitting himself though. “All right, all right,” Tony stopped him and huffed out a little laugh. “It’s in your back pocket?” A little nod from his guest, and Tony reached carefully to pull out his phone. As soon as he had the phone in hand he noticed the man was giggling almost as much as he had been when he first came in. “What? What’s so funny?”

“Heehee, mmyoouu touched ma bum,” he answered, turning and burying his face in the pillow as he spoke. Tony couldn’t help but smile at that.

He walked away, set the phone down for a minute and gathered up a couple blankets. He came back and tossed them over top of the mystery man, who now was sound asleep, and went back to get painkillers. He took the glass he had been preparing for himself and set it on the coffee table with the bottle of pills. He pointed at his bots and warned them, “These are for him when he wakes up. Don’t touch them. His head is going to hurt a lot tomorrow morning like daddy’s does.” The bots all whirred and wiggled in mock nods and that was good enough for him.

Finally having his guest taken care of, Tony went back into his kitchen and picked up the guy’s phone. “J, can you get me a password?” He held it up, let JARVIS scan the phone, and then waited. The phone unlocked and the screen opened up to a picture of the guy currently on his couch posing with a skull and a cape. It screamed Hamlet to him. Maybe a theater kid? Either way, he thumbed through the contacts, found one labeled ‘Thor’ and opened up a call.

As he waited, he peeked around the corner back into the living room and smirked a little seeing the bots pulling the blankets up to his guest’s chin. Trying to tuck him in. That was cute. The guy was honestly lucky the bots liked him. If they hadn’t he definitely would have called the police.

Finally the ringing stopped and immediately Tony was bombarded by yelling. _“LOKI! BY THE NINE DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT TIME IT IS!?!”_ He flinched and jerked the phone away from his head at the deep male voice shouting at him.

“Uh, yeah, hi,” he said once they stopped yelling, “Um, my name’s Tony.”

There was a very, _very_ long pause before the voice spoke again. This, Thor, person. _“Why do you have my brother’s phone? WHO ARE YOU?! IF YOU’VE DONE ANYTHING TO HURT HIM--!”_

“Yeah, uh, okay, please stop yelling, thanks.” Tony pinched the bridge of his nose. “I have your brother’s phone because he gave it to me. I didn’t do anything to him, swear it on my mom, okay?”

Another long pause. _“Very well… explain yourself.”_

“Wow, pushy, okay. Well, uh, see… Your, brother was it? Well, your brother kind of broke into my house.”

This guy was a big fan of long pauses. _“HE DID WHAT!?!?”_

“Ah, ow! Easy, easy!” Tony had to yank the phone back again. “He didn’t do it on purpose. He’s drunk. I think he thought it was someone else’s house or something. He’s fine now, though. Sleeping like a baby and probably drooling on my very expensive couch.”

_“Oh, Norns, I am so sorry about him. If he has caused any damage I promise we can pay for it. Where are you? I will come retrieve him at once!”_

Tony looked back out into the living room. So the guy’s name was Loki? Hmm, weird, but fitting he supposed. “Huh? Retrieve him? No, no, you don’t have to do that, really. He’s fine, just come pick him up tomorrow around noon. Should give him enough time to get over his hangover.”

_“Are… Are you sure? I don’t want to cause you anymore trouble…”_

“Dude, it’s like four in the morning. I’m not making anyone drive out right now. Just come in the morning. I’ll text you the address and we’ll be square.” After agreeing on it, he hung up and sent the address as promised. It probably wouldn’t take this guy long to figure out that the address was Tony Stark’s mansion, but hey… Whatever, really.

Sparing one last moment to set the phone beside the water, Tony wished Loki a good night and told JARVIS to set him an early alarm. Who knew how late this guy would actually sleep, anyway. Still, though, ugh. Getting up at seven am. Gross.

 

* * *

 

When he woke up, the first thing Loki was aware of was his pounding head. The second thing was the smell of cooking meats. Sausage probably. Norns, was Thor really already up making breakfast? With a groan, he pushed himself up off his stomach, grimacing at the way his head throbbed. Next he became aware of the fact that not only was this not his bed, but it wasn’t even his couch. His hands were splayed out on what looked like expensive black faux leather. Or maybe it was real leather. His head hurt too much to really tell. Either way, his mother’s golden yellow couch did _not_ look like this.

Turning his head, he took in his surroundings as best he could. Large fireplace with what looked like a quartz mantle, big huge open room with armchairs that matched the couch he was lying on, big open windows off a little ways away from him overlooking the ocean. Yeah, definitely not at home. Where the hell was he? He hadn’t gotten so drunk that he went home with some random hookup had he?

His eyes caught on the glimmer of light reflecting off glass. A pristine coffee table rested in front of him and on it sat a glass of water, his phone, and a bottle of pain pills. He was so relieved he almost swore aloud. Whoever he went home with was at least merciful. It hurt like a bitch to lean over and pick up the three objects, but he downed four pills as quickly as he could and sighed.

Suddenly there was a voice echoing through the house and Loki flinched violently. He curled into himself a little as they spoke much too loudly for his liking. “Good morning sir. It’s sunny outside with a wind-speed less than three miles per hour. The forecast calls for rain in the evening with a chance of thunderstorms.”

An answering voice sounded somewhere off behind Loki. “Thanks J,” it called before breaking off into a yawn. Turning his head, Loki spotted the source of the second voice and scowled a little bit. Coming down the hall was a man with a trim beard wearing a loose white shirt and red boxer-shorts. He had a hand up under his shirt and his hair was a tousled mess as he walked.

  

* * *

 

Tony peeked open one eye after he finished his yawn and froze on the spot. There, sitting up and very much awake on his couch, was his houseguest. He looked less than thrilled with him. “Oh… uh… you’re awake, huh?” Green eyes narrowed venomously. Swallowing a dry lump down his throat, Tony tried again. “Uh, okay… Uh… My name’s Tony. I learned from your brother yesterday that your name’s Loki. And, uh, I’m sure you’re a little confused, right?”

“You could say that,” Loki hissed from his spot.

Coughing and clearing his throat, Tony nodded. “Um, all right… for starters… You uh- kinda broke into my house last night.” The furious look on Loki’s face fell in an instant. “It’s okay, though, you didn’t break anything!”

Loki looked around the room for a moment. When he looked back to Tony he had a brow raised high on his head. “And you didn’t call the police _because_ …?”

“Oh!” Tony smiled and turned his head back toward the hall he came from. “Kids!” On cue the three bots came rolling down the hall and spilled into the living room. The three made a beeline for Loki, of course, all chirping and cheeping excitedly. Loki looked like a deer in headlights as he was surrounded by the little robots.

“What in the fuck…”

Snorting, Tony sauntered over toward the little gathering. “These three are the reason your ass isn’t in jail, bud.” Loki looked up at him, green eyes wide and confused. “See, if the kids like you, you get a free pass in my book. It’s only good once, of course, but most people don’t even get to use it.”

Loki’s eyes had only gotten wider as he stared up at him. When he finally did speak, his voice was quiet. “You’re Tony Stark…”

Flashing his winning smile, Tony said, “The one and only, pal!”

Loki’s gaze flicked down and over the three bots before scanning around the room. “I broke into Tony Stark’s house… I broke into Tony Stark’s house… Oh, fuck, I _broke into_ Tony Stark’s _house!_ ”

Quickly Tony lowered himself and rested his hands on Loki’s shoulders. “Hey, hey, easy,” he whispered, keeping his voice calm. “You’re all right. Everything’s fine. It’s okay, I promise…”

Loki’s panicked look began to fade as Tony walked him through a breathing exercise his therapist had taught him. Once he was calm enough that Tony no longer had to hold onto him, he asked, “You’re not going to arrest me?”

“If I haven’t arrested you by now, I’d say you’re fine.” He got up and turned, heading right for his kitchen. “You hungry? It smells like JARVIS has breakfast almost done by now.”

Wincing a little with the head-rush that came with standing, Loki replied, “Breakfast actually sounds lovely… Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it, cutie,” Tony threw a wink over his shoulder. “If there’s one thing Tony Stark does well, it’s feed his guests. Momma didn’t raise no skinny boys in her household.”

Getting into the kitchen, Tony was happy to see sausage links sizzling away in a pan on the stove next to a pan with eggs. The toaster popped down on its own, as he programmed it to, when he went in and the coffee pot and kettle both whirred to life when he tapped on the counter. Turning back to his guest, Tony couldn’t contain the smile on his face when he saw how awestruck Loki looked. He was staring open mouthed at everything in the room. He didn’t even notice the bots following him like ducklings.

“So, you a coffee drinker or a tea guy?” He asked, flipping through the cupboards to grab mugs and plates. “My CEO’s a tea drinker so I’ve got a bunch. Chamomile, Oolong, Cinnamon blend, uhh, black, Earl Grey, ummm, green, and uh, oh! Chai vanilla!” He turned back to Loki just in time for him to school his face into something less impressed.

“Earl Grey,” Loki said, carefully taking a seat at the island bar. Tony just noticed he still had the blanket wrapped around his shoulders and fought the urge to smile again.

Nodding, looking away quickly to hide his grin, Tony said, “Earl Grey it is.” He set to work with the mugs, put the plates out where they would both be sitting, and grabbed some cutlery. “How do you like your eggs?”

“Not raw.”

“All right then.” Tony watched the bots trying to reach the plates off the counter. He had made sure it was just tall enough that they couldn’t. Boy, was he glad for that choice now.

Loki noticed the bots, too. He looked down at them and gently ran his fingers over the top of DUM-E’s claw in a slow pet. DUM-E was overjoyed at the attention. “So you made them…?”

“Yup,” Tony replied. “DUM-E there I made when I was fourteen. My first attempt at artificial intelligence.” Loki blinked up at him as he said that. “He’s an absolute disaster and his code is a wreck, but I keep him and the other kids around. They need somebody to look out for them, after all.”

Loki’s gaze fell back to the little robot and he smiled softly. “They’re like your children.”

“They sure make a mess like children.”

He chuckled lightly at Tony’s jibe and resumed petting the bot. “I like them,” he said eventually. “What are their names again? You said one was Dummy?”

Beaming, Tony pointed. “DUM-E there is the eldest. To your left is U. And over there trying to get the fire extinguisher out of the baby proof container is Butterfingers. The Tony Stark triplets, if you will. And the handsome voice you hear over the speakers is JARVIS. Youngest member of the Stark family.” Loki laughed after the introduction. Tony quickly decided he liked the way he laughed. He was starting to like a lot of things about this guy.

“Hello,” Loki said, taking one prong of DUM-E’s claw and shaking it like a hand. “My name’s Loki.”

Once the food was finally done, Tony served them both, gave Loki his mug of tea, took his own mug of coffee, and sat down next to him. He brought butter and a couple of the jams that Rhodey liked with him and stretched across to pull the salt and pepper closer. “Dig in!”

Speaking of Rhodey, JARVIS’ voice rang out over the house announcing his arrival. “Hello Colonel Rhodes,” he said, “Sir is in the kitchen enjoying breakfast if you would like to join him.”

“I ate it all!” Tony shouted in the direction of the front door. Loki chuckled from beside him and took another sip of his tea.

“Sounds about right for you, hollow leg,” Rhodey called back. He came around the corner and paused when he spotted Loki. He recovered fast with a smile, though. “You didn’t tell me you were having company over, Tony.”

Between mouthfuls of his eggs, Tony said, “Oh, yeah. Loki, this is Rhodey. Rhodey, this is Loki. He broke into the house last night and fell asleep on my couch.”

Loki winced at the introduction then. Rhodey blinked a couple of times before nodding and walking to the toaster and grabbing two slices for himself. Loki perked back up at his lack of reaction. “You’re… you’re not shocked or upset by that?”

After smearing a hefty amount of jam onto his slice, Rhodey laughed. Once. Bitterly. Teasingly. He chomped down on his toast. “Shocked? By something ridiculous and stupid happening to Tony when I’m not here? Ha! Yeah, okay.” Tony stuck his tongue out at his friend and Rhodey took the opportunity to wipe his jam knife across it. While Tony gagged and spit, Rhodey turned his attention back to Loki. “Trust me, you get used to weird shit happening when this dumbass is involved.”

“Gee, thanks best friend. I love you too,” Tony bit out sarcastically before wiping his tongue off on a napkin.

“Yeah, I know,” Rhodey replied, munching on his toast some more. “So, Loki- what do you do for a living? I’m assuming not breaking into houses?”

“Ah, no,” Loki coughed and set down his fork. “I, ah, I’m actually employed translating ancient Norse texts into modern tongue. I’m somewhat of a linguist.”

“Somewhat?”

Loki rolled his shoulders. “Well, I still haven’t mastered Navajo and I’m working with an anthropologist who spent time on an island called Nehan. He’s been teaching me their language and I’ve been trying to keep a record of it.”

“Sounds like you’re a pretty good linguist to me,” Rhodey said, picking up Tony’s mug of coffee and taking a sip. Loki looked a little sheepish at the compliment. After finishing his drink, Rhodey spoke again. “So, how many times has Tony hit on you so far?” Loki spat out his tea and Tony let out an indignant squawk.

“Hey!” He whined at his friend. “That’s not fair!” Rhodey rolled his eyes. Loki was still choking on his drink.

“Sir has only hit on him once, Colonel,” JARVIS supplied. “Just before your arrival he called him ‘cutie’.”

“You fucking traitor,” Tony hissed up at the ceiling. “Remind me to have you scrapped for parts.”

“Shall I put it in your calendar, sir?”

Finally recovered, Loki asked, “ _Why_ would he be hitting on me exactly?”

“Because you’re his type?” Rhodey offered, smirking as Tony continued to whine. “Pretty, smart, and dangerous looking. All three of the Tony Stark boxes checked right off.”

“ _Rhodey!_ ”

Loki turned his head toward Tony, eyes wide as they were when he first realized who he was. He cleared his throat a few times and looked away. “Well… uh,” he cleared his throat again, “Um… If… if you’re really interested, Mister Stark, I would love to see what a billion dollar date is like.”

Tony, halfway through whining about being called ‘Mister,’ froze. Gaping for a moment, he squeaked out, “ _Really!?_ ” Loki shrugged and offered him a little smile. “Did… did you just ask me out!?”

“If you want,” Loki replied.

Tony’s face snapped toward Rhodey. Rhodey, of course, was just smirking at him over his second slice of toast. “I’ll take that in the form of a check, thanks,” he said.

Dropping his head into his hand, Tony stared down in shock at his plate of eggs. “This is _not_ how I pictured getting a date with you.”

“But you had been picturing it, huh?” Loki teased, lowering his head so Tony could see him smiling.

“You are the devil,” he hissed.

Loki laughed. “Well, yes, of course. What else would you expect?”

Before Tony could form a rebuttal, JARVIS made another announcement. “Apologies, sir, but there’s a Thor Odinson here to take his younger brother home now.”

“Send ‘im in, J!”

“Right away, sir,” JARVIS said before the tell-tale sound of the front door hissing open was heard.

“We’re in the kitchen!” Tony shouted. He smiled when the new guy came around the corner. “You must be Thor! Pleasure to meetcha!”

Thor was tall, blond, and the exact picture of a beefcake. If you looked it up in the dictionary, you’d probably find this guy’s picture. Not at all like Loki. Kinda weird, but whatever.

Thor bowed his head when he laid eyes on him. “Mister Stark! I am _so sorry_ for all of this! I assure you, Loki didn’t mean any harm!”

“Hey, hey, relax,” Tony soothed, waving his hands a little. “It’s all good. Nothing’s broken, nobody got stabbed, we’re all fine. You don’t need to apologize.”

“But- I--… You’re sure?” Thor looked dumbfounded.

“Positive, pixie. Come on, grab some breakfast, sit, eat.” Tony’s smile turned wicked and he made sure to look at Loki as he said his next bit. “I want to hear _every story_ of Loki as a baby that you’ve got.”

Loki’s eyes thinned to slits and he positively snarled at him. And Tony? Tony thought it was the hottest thing he had seen in a long, long time.

**Author's Note:**

> tada~!


End file.
